Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

From the D.M.

DAILY Telegraph columnist Boris Johnson does not like being mayor of London anymore, it has been confirmed. Returning to what remains of the capital last night, the glum-faced mayor stressed that tiptoeing through the charred remains of a sandwich shop in Hackney was not his idea of a 'jape'.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph he said: "I want it to be about the Olympics and big, friendly bicycles. This is just ghastly.

"It seems that many Londoners and I now disagree on what constitutes a ripping good lark.

"To me it's cycling to a community centre while wearing an endearing helmet and then making a speech that is little more than a thinly-veiled leadership challenge to David Cameron.

"It's asking some incredibly rich people what I can do to make them richer and then have them all applaud me loudly and compliment my charming hair.

"I don't want to do it if it means I have to come back off my holidays and stare at some burnt-out car while looking all serious, when in actual fact I'm just trying to work out whether it was a Mondeo or a Vectra."

Meanwhile, likely Labour candidate for mayor Ken Livingstone said the riots started because Norman Tebbit has been going round Tottenham whipping little black babies with his belt and spiking everyone's Tizer with anabolic steroids.

Prime minister David Cameron also returned to London last night to ensure that waitresses in the riot hit areas were being tipped properly.

From the D. M.

TRAIN fare hikes are vital if rail executives are to double the size of their humongous homes by 2015, it was claimed last night.
The announcement of 'above inflation' fare rises has left many commuters pondering whether they might soon have to sell their spleen on Ebay to fund the daily joy of standing up in a greasy metal box packed with angry armpits.

But train company executive Roy Hobbs said "There's extensive, vital re-organizational work that needs to take place on my 84-bedroom detached Hertfordshire home to make it super lovely.

"The key infrastructural priority is to provide a 50-person hot tub on the balcony of the master bedroom. In the medium term, we're also looking at constructing a 1920s-style music hall in the basement with full-time bawdy match girls and an organ grinder with waistcoated monkey at the entrance.

"Without these absolutely integral improvements my house is unlikely to be fit for purpose, but sadly they won't be possible without more of your money.

"After a lengthy consultation with passenger groups, I've written the number '9' on a piece of paper followed by as many zeroes as I could manage before my biro ran out. That should do for now."

He added: "We would like to thank all of our customers for their compliance in this unlubricated violation and to remind them that there's always a buffet car in coach F if they have any money left to spend on daringly overpriced cookies."

Commuter Nikki Hollis said: "The worst thing is that it's making me think Bob 'the communist Sontaran' Crow might actually be right about something from time to time.

"Next thing I'll be fantasising about licking paté off his big domed head."

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

Brilliant!

From the DM.

COLONEL Gaddafi has asked Tony Blair if he can stay in his guest room for a while.The Libyan dictator expects to be homeless or dead by lunchtime but would accept the offer of safe passage if the former UK prime minister can put him up until he gets something else sorted out. 

As fierce fighting surrounds Gaddafi's compound the leader was desperately trying to track down Blair on his mobile phone to check if the guest room had ensuite facilities and how they should arrange the whole laundry, food thing.

Amid the deafening sound of gunfire and mortar explosions, Gaddafi told Blair's voicemail: "I'm thinking either we take it in turns to do a wash or I do the laundry and you do the cooking."

Shouting until he was hoarse, Gaddafi added: "I'm not into this whole separate shelves in the fridge thing. I'll just eat with  you guys and bung in twenty quid or something, yeah?

"Happy to stay in the London house obviously, but would be great if I could use the big place in the country as well.

"I HAVEN'T PLAYED TENNIS FOR AGES."

But Blair's spokesman said: "It's always really awkward when someone gets the wrong end of the stick, isn't it? Tony always said Colonel Gaddafi could use the guest room as long as he wasn't under indictment for crimes against humanity.

"Plus, he's going to be away for a few days so... you know."

The spokesman added: "He's not being a dick about this, but Colonel Gaddafi clearly thinks they are better friends than they actually are. Tony is genuinely sorry if he gave him the wrong impression.

"It would actually be a lot better for everyone if he could just stop phoning us and get shot in the face."

A serious question, does anyone know how long it would take to read every page of this thread? (I have started on a couple of occasions, but didn't have the staying power.)

a serious answer saki. it depends on how fast you read. time yourself over one page, then multiply by whatever.

Hi all Here I am on P>O>T>D cant believe it
But Willsome kind soul retell me how to fiddle with the top address bar so I get to the end of P.O.T.D which is more interesting than the beginning
Kind regs THEA

Any success THEA?

Hi Thea. At the top of your screen you have the address bar, in this case http://www.crosswordsolver.org/forum/
All you do is delte anything tha comes after /forum/, and type offset, folloed by the number of the last thread, less one - which is as follows http://www.crosswordsolver.org/forum/offset/1167 that will get you to the last post.