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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Dear me, talk about Dyson with death.

The FA have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked into a camera and shouted, "Fuck off! What? Fuck off!"

They have found that he was just having an argument with his own reflection.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

This should help you with the forth-coming referendum. From the D. M.

What is the alternative vote?
Under the AV system, voters rank candidates in order of height before ranking them again in order of stench.

The candidate with the most points goes through to round three where he must beat a pair of local schoolchildren in a Blockbusters-style quiz.

If he fails then the second-placed candidate takes on the children and if successful then goes on to wrestle a kangaroo.

The fifth round involves defusing a live feminist before the clock reaches zero and in the sixth and final round they have to sing a song in front of an audience of easily unimpressed Glaswegians.

Whoever makes it through all six rounds then gets to treat you like a child while stealing your money.

Two 90 year olds have been dating for a while, and decide to have sex.
As they lay there afterwards the man thinks to himself... "My god if I'd known she was a virgin I'd have been more gentle."
The woman also somewhat in a state of shock lay there thinking "My god if I'd known the old boy could actually get it up I'd have taken my tights off".

If you take a laptop computer for a run would it jog your memory ?

if you a wall with the words"WET PAINT"why touch it? why is a boxing ring so called,as its square.

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry, just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the thirteenth pub Seamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!"