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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY No.1.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY No.2

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Although Oxford won the Boat Race, did you notice that they had the smallest "cox" ?

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.




“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."


The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Irish?"




The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords ! "

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one person in front of me, an Asian woman who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated .. . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white people too"

Why are jelly babies always little girls?

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Sadly, Eddie Stobart has died. It seems he was HGV positive and limited to 56.

Not according to the DVLA he isn't. The correct term is SORN.
and according to Jeremy Clarkson it wasn't a heart attack. He was killed by a prostitute.

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!