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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local Boots and announces to the chemist that she wants a box of condoms.

The chemist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The chemist fainted.

Nice one, Celedon.

Did you hear the one about a husband and wife who had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

My neighbour asked me yesterday if he could borrow my lawn mower. I said "Sure, so long as you don't take it out of my garden"

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these implants .... no way I'm shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth, either."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise." So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

So you're an ailing senior citizen and the government says they cannot afford to provide a Nursing Home for you.
You cannot afford the fees and are worried your pension will run short.
what do you do?
Get yourself a gun and 4 bullets.

Then go out and shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, but at least you will get a roof over your head, 3 meals a day, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

New glasses? – Just ask.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? – All covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all this ?

The same government that said they could not afford to pay for you to go in to a Nursing Home.


Also, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.



ISN'T THIS A GREAT COUNTRY ?

Just walked through this inviting philosophical portal and found myself at the end of the queue from hell. How is an ordinary chap/chapette supposed to pick up the thread let alone pass it through the eye of a needle. As Im talking about needles how on earth can I scroll back to the beginning/end? I havent got all night/month. However lets be positive -- a n d ..........

THEAMBLER

While you're making your way back, ask yourself....

How is it that pubic hair knows when to stop growing?

Wait till we get to 2000!

One for all us seniors:-

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared,

where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Wouldn't it make more sense to lose the YESTERDAY, then it would seem like the man was going to tell his whole life story - hence the policeman getting bored?