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Well done imagcq,

The fourth one was Irish - waiting for the red light to change to green.

Hot off the press.....

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.
The store has guaranteed that reasonably normal-looking shoppers will never have to feel genetically inferior to at least 87% of its regulars.
Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: “We’re actually coaxing particularly unappealing members of the public in with free buns, ensuring that after every visit you’ll walk through the exit feeling like the belle of the ball.
“Compare that to Waitrose, where you’re like desperate, half-dead pond life next to the perfectly-proportioned middle class families with their magnificent shoes and their shiny skin and their flowing, lustrous hair.”
The repugnance of the Asda-dwellers has been independently verified by experts from Centre for Faces at Reading University. Professor Nikki Hollis said: “Although it’s hard to be scientific about these things, it’s not really.
“The Asdas we visited contained genuinely unfortunate-looking people who smelled of horse sweat and stale peaches – the types who consider teeth to be a luxury item.
“We saw tracksuits rotted away at the crotch, draggy limbs and chipped, ill-fitting glass eyes. Then you’ve got the plain strange, like the bald old woman with a pine marten on a length of string, who was racially abusing a jar of pesto in Spanish.
“Certainly they were a more motley bunch than you’d get in Tesco or even Morrison’s and we left feeling like we were, comparatively, dripping with sex.”
She added: ‘”And do try the custard doughnuts, they’re very good.”

Haha never come across the 4th one in the joke. what a hoot (red light ?green light ) I surmised he must be irish polish or another nationality often ridiculed in humour.

Celadon thats insane Ugly mart so you can make yourself seem more normal whatever next.

Keep em coming mate and Cheers!

Billy was at school this morning in the English countryside and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

The new commander in Afghanistan hears that a Scottish regiment has a specialized field hospital that's doing fantastic things with the troops. He wants to know what is so special about the place, so he arranges a tour.

When he gets to the ward, it's full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He's perplexed, so goes up to the first bed and greets the soldier there.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The general is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

That soldier responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the commander moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the general turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No, not at all," replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns unit."

Loved it Kilowatt.
Took the liberty of pasting it into an email and sending it to expat English and Scots here in Oz.
Thanks.

You are welcome Busby, I copied and pasted from an email I had received. I thought it very apt on Burns night.

Nice one Kilowatt,

Shall sent it out to the lads in Helmand.

oops....Send not sent

It is impossible to lick your elbow.