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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.


1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”
2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.
4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.
5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”
7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.
8. Flirt.
9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”
10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.
11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.
12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”
13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”
16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”
17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..


There were four men .....

One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

I have no idea Celadon.....but whilst we're on the subject.
An Aussie farmer visited a brothel.
While paying his bill on the way out the cashier asked. "Are you a farmer".
"Yes" he replied with a big grin," did the girl talk about me"?
"Certainly" was the reply. "First you complained it was to dry, then it was to wet, now you're complaining about the cost.

1st Russian 2nd Himalayan 3rd Finish 4th ???????

Suppose the 4th guy could be Irish!

This is an old favourite of mine.

This guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you a trick, can I have a free drink?"
The bartender replies, "I don't know, let me see the trick first."

So the guy reaches into his coat and pulls out a little piano and a big green bullfrog. he sets them on the bar and the frog starts playing jazz on the piano."

"Wow!" exclaims the bartender and pours the man a whisky.

"If I show you another trick," asks the man when he finishes his whisky, "Can I have another free drink?"

"If it's as good as that first trick," replies the bartender, "You can drink free the rest of the night."

So the man reaches into his coat and brings out a little white mouse. He sets it down next to the piano and it starts singing along with the frog's piano-playing.

"Wow!" exclaims the bartender and he keeps pouring drinks as fast as the man can drink them.

A little later, this guy comes up to the bar and sees the frog and mouse. "Wow!" he says, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who owns this act?"

"This guy here." says the bartender.

"Listen," says the guy to the owner of the frog and mouse. "I'll give you ten thousand dollars for those animals."

The man rubs his chin thoughtfully for a moment and says, "I'll take one thousand for the mouse."

So the guy gives the man a thousand dollars, scoops up the mouse and runs out of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" shouts the bartender. "That was a million-dollar act and you broke it up for a measly one grand?"

"Relax," the man says. "The frog's a ventriloquist."

Cheers!

Well done imagcq,

The fourth one was Irish - waiting for the red light to change to green.

Hot off the press.....

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.
The store has guaranteed that reasonably normal-looking shoppers will never have to feel genetically inferior to at least 87% of its regulars.
Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: “We’re actually coaxing particularly unappealing members of the public in with free buns, ensuring that after every visit you’ll walk through the exit feeling like the belle of the ball.
“Compare that to Waitrose, where you’re like desperate, half-dead pond life next to the perfectly-proportioned middle class families with their magnificent shoes and their shiny skin and their flowing, lustrous hair.”
The repugnance of the Asda-dwellers has been independently verified by experts from Centre for Faces at Reading University. Professor Nikki Hollis said: “Although it’s hard to be scientific about these things, it’s not really.
“The Asdas we visited contained genuinely unfortunate-looking people who smelled of horse sweat and stale peaches – the types who consider teeth to be a luxury item.
“We saw tracksuits rotted away at the crotch, draggy limbs and chipped, ill-fitting glass eyes. Then you’ve got the plain strange, like the bald old woman with a pine marten on a length of string, who was racially abusing a jar of pesto in Spanish.
“Certainly they were a more motley bunch than you’d get in Tesco or even Morrison’s and we left feeling like we were, comparatively, dripping with sex.”
She added: ‘”And do try the custard doughnuts, they’re very good.”