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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

From the D. M.


DAVID Cameron is offering a ‘lovely turnip’ to every non-land owning home to counter accusations of Tory elitism.
The root vegetable offering follows lingering disgruntlement over allegations chief whip Andrew Mitchell called a policeman a ‘pleb’.
Cameron said: “This perception of Conservatives as cocksure ‘Lord Snooty’ caricatures to whom the general populace are a seething mass of barely-literate, hessian-clad imbeciles is a tired, baseless piece of reverse snobbery.
“And to prove our empathy and generosity towards the masses, every non-land owning household is to get a free, juicy turnip.
“That’s right. A whole turnip, yours to do with as you please. Roast it, make it into flavourless soup, or simply eat it raw.
“Don’t fight over it though. Then we’d have to get the police out, assuming they still obey us.”
Tory backbencher Denys Finch Hatton denied that the word pleb was derogatory. He said: “Even had Andrew said that, it’s one of those words that’s been reclaimed.
“At Westminster we use the p-word all thing the time, whenever I see George Osborne I’ll go, ‘What’s up, my pleb?’ and he’ll reply ‘Oooo arrr’.”
Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “When a man on a cart threw a turnip through my living room window I was quite shocked. Who do they think they are?
“But, still – free turnip.”

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

How clever is this ?.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=E8nJhG1xE5o

Crazy Laws - Massachusetts
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.

It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1.

It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building.

Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.

It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

Quakers and witches are banned.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

In Longmeadow MA, it is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.

In Boston MA, no one may take a bath without a prescription.

In Boston MA, no more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.

In Boston MA, an old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.

In Boston MA, duels to the death are permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.

In Boston MA, no one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.

In Boston MA, it is illegal to play the fiddle.

In Marlboro MA, one may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.

In Newton MA, all families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.

In North Andover MA, an ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.

Celadon, you certainly know where to dig up strange facts about all sorts of different places.

From the DM.

THE West Coast mainline contract fiasco is still working better than 98% of British trains.

As ministers cancelled the award of the contract to FirstGroup, at a cost of £40m to the taxpayer, experts said it was the least bad railway mistake in years.
Officials now want to apply the lessons from such a medium-sized catastrophe to the rest of the network.
Transport consultant Roy Hobbs said: “If only the contracts in the South East had been handled this way, it might not feel as if every train journey in and out of London was conceived by Marilyn Manson.
“Whoever managed to keep the complete and utter waste of money down to a mere £40 million is a definitely a keeper.”
A spokesman for the department of transport said: “Sometimes we even manage to surprise ourselves. Score.”
It emerged the contract was cancelled after Stephen Fry explained to minsters why their original decision could lead to Sir Richard Branson being less fabulous.
A spokesman for Virgin said: “If Richard is not successful at everything all the time then modern Britain will collapse in on itself like something out of Inception.”

Love post 1285...... X

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."