Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average,
22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers
get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I
almost feel like a hybrid.

You'd think golfers would be teetotal!

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iRate.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

How do those dead flys get into the enclosed light fixtures?

THE last of the renegade Nazis living in a self-sufficient lunar colony has died, aged 95.

Hans Weishaupt passed away in his bed in a geodesic dome on the shores of the Sea of Tranquility, renamed the Meer von Lebensraum.

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “Hans was one of the many rocket scientists recruited by NASA to help with their space programme, which they did on condition that they were given half the moon’s surface to colonise for themselves.

“They landed in 1967 – two years before Neil Armstrong, because they wanted to get it all nice and Aryan ready for him – and swiftly established their capital city, Reichsvolk.”

Weishaupt, who kept in touch with world leaders with birthday Skype calls threatening rocket attacks on major cites, died promising that a fourth Reich would rain blood upon the earth.

He leaves behind an army of indestructible robot servants and a 250ft statue of Hitler visible from Mars.

THE Government has today confirmed that it will be replacing the Human Rights Act with Warhammer 40,000: The Rules.

The 208-page science fiction wargame rulebook is seen as the ideal replacement because it allows every possible type of conflict to be resolved with only a handful of dice.

Justice secretary Michael Gove said: “The legal system is convoluted and impossible for the layman to understand. Using Warhammer 40,000 we can reproduce that perfectly, but on a much smaller scale using beautifully painted miniatures.

“If you are claiming a right to privacy, for example, we roll two twenty-sided dice to determine your score, take away any debuffs – low income, being foreign – and measure it against the government’s own total.

“We make our rolls behind the books so you can’t see, but it’s all perfectly fair.”

The first case, a challenge of the government’s right to detain terror suspects without trial, has already been heard on Kulth the War World and ended in the defeat of the Imperium of Man by Tyranid Biomorphs without the right to appeal.

Gove added: “My office has been asked why we chose to use the science-fictional Warhammer 40,000 rules rather than the original Warhammer Fantasy setting.

“Simply, we are not barbarians.”

"There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told and those who can do nothing else."
~ Cyrus H. Curtis

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

"Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone. But when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me." - Al Capone.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.