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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Been there, done that, if you remember, Celadon - only with British Gas!

March 15, 2015. Moscow. (ONN) Where in the world is Vladimir Putin? Today marks the tenth consecutive day since the Russian President has been seen. Whispered speculation last week Wednesday quickly turned into public demands for answers on Friday when Russian state TV and Kremlin leaders took turns tripping over themselves with misstatements and propaganda, indicating something is definitely going on. The most fitting answer according to experts on Russia - a palace coup.

Helpful Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END

On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING CONTAINS NUTS.

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

-136.5 C

Sorry - temperature ratios only work if you use the Kelvin scale, so 0C is 273K (assuming you are working in K rather than F). Twice as cold - half as warm - is 136.5K, so -136.5C.

(I know that you weren't expecting a serious answer!)