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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

The self-styled deputy prime minster said the name change would be the only thing in his party’s manifesto and make everyone in Britain ‘incredibly excited’.

Clegg insisted his new name would transform the NHS and that rich people and big companies would pay more tax to someone called Ryan because ‘they just want to be part of something cool and sexy’.

He added: “UKIP and the Tories want to take us back to the days of ‘Alf’ and ‘Stan’. Labour is now the party of ‘Caleb’ and ‘Finn’. The SNP wants everyone to be named ‘Kenny’ and, given the chance, the Green Party will change your first name to ‘Manure Production Facility’.

“Ryan is obviously much better than all of those. Especially Finn.”

Martin Bishop, who lives in Clegg’s Sheffield constituency, said: “I just hope it’s not too late. When he broke his promise on student fees I said he had to change his name to Ryan, or possibly Idris.

“I will vote for him, but only because it’s so unbelievably cool and sexy.”

Meanwhile, Clegg also announced that business secretary Vince Cable has changed his first name to ‘Channing’.

A man received the following text from his neighbor (it was in the US):

“ I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.”


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Bloody autocorrect, I meant "wifi", not "wife" . . . . sorry.”

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women.

Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

THE Walt Disney Company has acquired the rights to feature roguish antiques dealer Lovejoy in its Marvel Avengers franchise.

Marvel president Kevin Feige confirmed the seven-figure buy-out of Ian McShane’s likeable yet devious art collector from the BBC this morning.

He said: “With our new acquisitions this week of both Spider-Man and Lovejoy, the Marvel Universe continues to go from strength to strength.

“Fans can be sure that the next Avengers movie will be packed with plot lines about shady goings-on inside East Anglian auction houses.”

On an Avengers e-forum, blogger Wayne Hayes wrote: “Having an Ipswich-based antiquer with a shoulder-length mullet and deep facial creases fighting alongside Iron Man, Thor and The Hulk is simply not a true reflection of the original comics.”

Feige said: “I’ve seen sceptics sniping away online about how Lovejoy is not a ‘real superhero’. Then how do you explain his powers for distinguishing priceless heirlooms from clever fakes?

“I’d like to see Steve Rogers aka Captain America tell the difference between a genuine Stradivarius violin and a near-perfect replica. Spoiler alert: he couldn’t.”

Feige added: “This is probably not a good time to reveal that Bergerac is in the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel.”

"You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent." ~ President Richard Nixon

“The astronauts will live together in a group for the rest of their lives” — A Dutch non-profit organization announcing the finalists for its one-way trip to Mars contest.

Surely, right up there with Bora Bora on your list of one-way tickets.

BARRY Chuckle has taken a shock three-point lead in the run-up to the general election.

Although the wiry Chuckle sibling is not currently running for office, a YouGov poll showed that he was considered ‘most trustworthy’ on issues such as the economy, education and manoeuvring bulky objects through doorways.

Labour and Conservatives have already suggested they would consider a coalition with Barry Chuckle on the understanding that his panto work did not interfere with the duties of deputy prime minister.

Chuckle’s popularity with the voters has caused a rift with his brother Paul, who studied Political Science at Cambridge and has worked in an advisory capacity for a number of left-wing think tanks.

Meanwhile Channel 4 has commissioned a speculative docudrama titled The First 100 Days Of Chuckle which shows Barry accidentally covering Angela Merkel in paint during an EU summit and getting his head stuck in the Speaker’s Chair during the state opening of parliament.

Barry Chuckle said: “I’ve seen the projected borrowing figures for the next three years set against expected trade growth. Oh dear, oh dear.”

Is anybody out there still reading the "poser"? Need a little help in keeping up to-date; even if its just to say hello.
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THE UK’s last remaining CD tower, capable of holding more than 88 albums, has been destroyed.

Campaigners fought to preserve the final surviving example in Wrexham, a blondewood tower with space at the base for club compilation double CDs, but were overruled after it was declared unsafe.

Campaigner Eleanor Shaw said: “We believe that this one dated all the way back to 1991, based on the pristine copy of Pearl Jam’s Ten in its upper reaches.

“We’ve already lost the country’s historic cassette tape carousels, and now this.”

The chrome or teak-veneered structures were once common sights across the country, where they loomed symbolically in living rooms. However English Heritage refused to save the remaining examples after already wasting more than £100 million converting CD towers to DVD towers.

Demolition expert Roy Hobbs said: “We can’t afford to be sentimental. At any moment the rack could give way and half the town would be buried beneath The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.”

Always read and enjoy your thread Celadon. Thank you.