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BIRMINGHAM has become the UK’s first all-Klingon city.

The transition was complete as the last non-Klingon emerged from a public lavatory and was then placed in a laser-cannon and fired into the upper atmosphere.

The city’s name has been changed to ‘Arkmapnak’ and its promotional slogan is now ‘Kirk Marap Koobanak’, which means ‘Kirk molested a spaniel’.

Balak Goprak, the leader of the city council, said: “I challenge you now, Kirk. Come to Arkmapnak, if you have the courage.”

Asked how the city will address complaints over refuse collection timetables, Goprak replied: “Kirk, you and your decrepit comrades will beg for mercy as I wield the Triple Axe of Charkogdok.”

Meanwhile, the city’s football teams have been incinerated and the National Exhibition Centre is now home to the deadly Klingon sport of Pang-Pong.

Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Diet & Health

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for 40 is XL

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

When everybody on earth had passed on and was waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was over a 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their households, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here"

Good morning jolan, you're very sprightly today. I only have #s 1 & 4 on reading and as usual look forward to a rigorous mental workout with the others.

Apologies celadon et all, I got thrown off when posting to jolan and on "reentering" the thread did not notice I had been directed here!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

The self-styled deputy prime minster said the name change would be the only thing in his party’s manifesto and make everyone in Britain ‘incredibly excited’.

Clegg insisted his new name would transform the NHS and that rich people and big companies would pay more tax to someone called Ryan because ‘they just want to be part of something cool and sexy’.

He added: “UKIP and the Tories want to take us back to the days of ‘Alf’ and ‘Stan’. Labour is now the party of ‘Caleb’ and ‘Finn’. The SNP wants everyone to be named ‘Kenny’ and, given the chance, the Green Party will change your first name to ‘Manure Production Facility’.

“Ryan is obviously much better than all of those. Especially Finn.”

Martin Bishop, who lives in Clegg’s Sheffield constituency, said: “I just hope it’s not too late. When he broke his promise on student fees I said he had to change his name to Ryan, or possibly Idris.

“I will vote for him, but only because it’s so unbelievably cool and sexy.”

Meanwhile, Clegg also announced that business secretary Vince Cable has changed his first name to ‘Channing’.