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Peter invited his mother for dinner and during the course of the meal she couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?’ 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE BLOODY FRYING PAN BY NOW..

LOVE MUM

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Why it is called a Bus Replacement Service......Surely it's a TRAIN replacement service.

Hackers Hacked.

The Sun newspaper, owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News International, was hacked on Monday night by cyberprotesters LulzSec.

Visitors to the national newspaper’s website were automatically redirected to a different site (http://www.new-times.co.uk/sun/) that looked like The Sun, but detailed the fake death of Rupert Murdoch.

The story read:

“Rupert Murdoch, the controversial media mogul, has reportedly been found dead in his garden, police announce.

“Murdoch, aged 80, has said to have ingested a large quantity of palladium before stumbling into his famous topiary garden late last night, passing out in the early hours of the morning.

"We found the chemicals sitting beside a kitchen table, recently cooked," one officer states. "From what we can gather, Murdoch melted and consumed large quantities of it before exiting into his garden."

"Authorities would not comment on whether this was a planned suicide, though the general consensus among locals and unnamed sources is that this is the case.

"One detective elaborates. 'Officers on the scene report a broken glass, a box of vintage wine, and what seems to be a family album strewn across the floor, containing images from days gone by; some containing handpainted portraits of Murdoch in his early days, donning a top hat and monocle.'

"Another officer reveals that Murdoch was found slumped over a particularly large garden hedge fashioned into a galloping horse. 'His favourite', a butler, Davidson, reports.

"Butler Davidson has since been taken into custody for additional questioning."

For all you Naval vets out there:-

There have been rumors about the U.S. Navy's speedy new triple hulled ships, but now they're for real.

The U.S.S Independence was built by General Dynamics. It's called a "littoral combat ship" (LCS), and the tri-maran can move
its weapons around faster than any other ship in the Navy.
(Ironic that with all that high tech, the ship reminds me of the Merrimac ironclad from Civil War days).

'Littoral' means close-to-shore, and that's where these very ships will operate. They're tailor-made for launching helicopters and lightly-armored vehicles, sweeping mines and firing all manner of torpedoes, missiles and machine guns.
These ships are also relatively inexpensive. A bargain at $208 million, and the Navy plans to build 55 of them.
This tri-maran is the first of a new fire breathing breed, ready to scoot out of dry dock at a rumored 60 knots top speed.. It's like a speedy and heavily armed aircraft carrier for helicopters.
Pirates Beware!!!

There are several pictures on the net you just have to search for them.

From a Scottish newspaper - who said that the scots were unromantic?

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

From the D.M.

DAILY Telegraph columnist Boris Johnson does not like being mayor of London anymore, it has been confirmed. Returning to what remains of the capital last night, the glum-faced mayor stressed that tiptoeing through the charred remains of a sandwich shop in Hackney was not his idea of a 'jape'.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph he said: "I want it to be about the Olympics and big, friendly bicycles. This is just ghastly.

"It seems that many Londoners and I now disagree on what constitutes a ripping good lark.

"To me it's cycling to a community centre while wearing an endearing helmet and then making a speech that is little more than a thinly-veiled leadership challenge to David Cameron.

"It's asking some incredibly rich people what I can do to make them richer and then have them all applaud me loudly and compliment my charming hair.

"I don't want to do it if it means I have to come back off my holidays and stare at some burnt-out car while looking all serious, when in actual fact I'm just trying to work out whether it was a Mondeo or a Vectra."

Meanwhile, likely Labour candidate for mayor Ken Livingstone said the riots started because Norman Tebbit has been going round Tottenham whipping little black babies with his belt and spiking everyone's Tizer with anabolic steroids.

Prime minister David Cameron also returned to London last night to ensure that waitresses in the riot hit areas were being tipped properly.

From the D. M.

TRAIN fare hikes are vital if rail executives are to double the size of their humongous homes by 2015, it was claimed last night.
The announcement of 'above inflation' fare rises has left many commuters pondering whether they might soon have to sell their spleen on Ebay to fund the daily joy of standing up in a greasy metal box packed with angry armpits.

But train company executive Roy Hobbs said "There's extensive, vital re-organizational work that needs to take place on my 84-bedroom detached Hertfordshire home to make it super lovely.

"The key infrastructural priority is to provide a 50-person hot tub on the balcony of the master bedroom. In the medium term, we're also looking at constructing a 1920s-style music hall in the basement with full-time bawdy match girls and an organ grinder with waistcoated monkey at the entrance.

"Without these absolutely integral improvements my house is unlikely to be fit for purpose, but sadly they won't be possible without more of your money.

"After a lengthy consultation with passenger groups, I've written the number '9' on a piece of paper followed by as many zeroes as I could manage before my biro ran out. That should do for now."

He added: "We would like to thank all of our customers for their compliance in this unlubricated violation and to remind them that there's always a buffet car in coach F if they have any money left to spend on daringly overpriced cookies."

Commuter Nikki Hollis said: "The worst thing is that it's making me think Bob 'the communist Sontaran' Crow might actually be right about something from time to time.

"Next thing I'll be fantasising about licking paté off his big domed head."

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .